How many questions is too many questions?

How many questions is too many questions? This is not rhetorical — I actually need to know, because getting it wrong has painful consequences.

In conversation, we’re supposed to ask questions. We’re supposed to be interested in other people. I know this because I’ve been told many, many times over the years.

And honestly, this isn’t a hardship for me because other people are endlessly fascinating to me. I’d like to cut open your neurotypical brains and study them under a microscope but I’m not allowed to do that, so I’ll settle for questions.

Which should be simple, but in fact is not. Because too many questions is weird. And sometimes threatening.

Just ask Aaron from The Traitors series 1. Aaron has ADHD and is a truly lovely human. He was chatting to John the masseur about John’s profession, and asking lots of questions, at which point John lost his shit and yelled at Aaron.

Later that day, he bullied Aaron so badly that Aaron had a panic attack and had to leave the Round Table.

Aaron was different. Aaron asked Too Many Questions.

But how many is too many?

It’s happened to me a thousand times. I ask a lot of questions because I’m interested, or because I want clarity, but it’s toooo much.

So now I spend every conversation counting. How many questions is my allotted number and how many have I used up? Is it five? Am I allowed five questions before I’m classed as “weird”?

Does “How are you?” count?

How about “Where’s the bathroom?”

I’d love to ask you about your mother’s death but I have to save some of my questions for later in case I need to pee. And there’s a man over there with a weird haircut and I want to ask him about his entire decision-making process and I’ll need to word it carefully lest I upset him which I never want to do.

There’s an invisible line marked “too many questions” but where is that line?

NOBODY TELLS US.

And which questions are “appropriate”?

“I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. How did she die?” That’s appropriate.

“How long was she sick for?” That’s appropriate.

“What did you do with her body?”

Apparently, that’s inappropriate. WHO KNEW?

But it’s SUPER INTERESTING. Death rituals are fascinating and they tell us a lot about someone’s beliefs, culture, and background. It’s not all cremation or mahogany coffins (and hopefully never mahogany coffins these days).

Answering questions is a minefield too.

“What’s an interesting fact about yourself?”

Oh good lord. Nobody wants this question, whatever type of brain they have, because it’s booooring and awkward.

But what everyone wants to hear is, “I’ve just done a Tough Mudder, woo!”

What apparently is not appropriate is, “One time I wore a dead person’s hand as a glove.”

I mean, it wasn’t for fun, it was for work. I used to be a crime scene examiner and I had to do a lot of things including, on occasion, fingerprinting dead bodies, which can be troublesome.

Bodies are stored in very cold rooms so when they come out for examination, they get wet. Moisture condenses on them. And if they’ve been there for a while, the skin can get really weird and wrinkly, so it’s difficult to get a useful print.

One way to do it is to peel the hand, treat the skin, and wear the dermis like a glove.

You wear surgical gloves yourself, so it’s not gross or anything.

But apparently this answer is “not appropriate” for an ice-breaking session, in which case I’m stuck because small talk is diabolical.

So, if someone could come back to me with answers to the following questions, I’d be most grateful:

I’ll wait for your answers. I’m saving my remaining two questions for follow-ups.